


burn me on your heart

by bigpapishownu



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Arranged Marriage, Consensual Infidelity, Financial Issues, Forced Marriage, I guess but not really, M/M, Marriage of Convenience, Mental Health Issues, Miscommunication, Strangers to Lovers, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-21 10:27:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30020379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigpapishownu/pseuds/bigpapishownu
Summary: when you say goodbye, yeah, burn me on your heart
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Park Seonghwa/Original Character(s)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 8





	1. grab me when i'm falling

**Author's Note:**

> hi hello atiny reading this
> 
> i'm relatively new to the fandom and just everything about this i am in love with. 
> 
> i've had the basic idea of writing something like this since i've started writing fanfic but i've never really gotten off my ass to actually do lmao but now i think i found the perfect pair to bring this idea to life with. the story is completely outlined and everything so i'm hoping to update this regularly (hopefully 2-3 times per month). i'm really proud of how it's coming out so far so i hope you guys enjoy this too.
> 
> story title from _Happy to Die_ by I.M from his Duality mini album

Yunho wouldn’t consider himself Seonghwa and Hongjoong’s friend. 

That’s not really true, however, he’s  _ Hongjoong’s  _ friend; Seonghwa only seems to tolerate Yunho when they’re in public, and even then, he always looks like he’s seconds from snapping at him. He really doesn’t know how someone as lively and charismatic can deal with someone as dry and irritable like Seonghwa, even if they are married. Yunho doesn’t think he would have been able to put up with someone like Seonghwa for more than an hour, much less  _ three years  _ like Hongjoong has - he thinks he’d probably have ended behind bars or six feet under. Hongjoong has a pretty damn good reason for that, however, but still, no one should have to deal with someone like that for too long. Much less someone like Hongjoong - someone as nice, caring, and compassionate. 

_ He remembers meeting the couple, him and Mingi had recently decided that they probably should take a break from each other - their differences had been getting a little too loud, too quick - and he’d gone to the club to distract himself from the dull ache in his chest. There wasn’t anyone in particular he was looking at, just enjoyed looking at other people dancing together, sweaty bodies pressed tight against one another, not caring who saw them. It made the ache in his chest turn to a sharp pain, small but persistent, because it reminded him of how him and Mingi used to be. He’d gone back to the bar then, ordered multiple shots and downed them back to back from the other; it wasn’t much of a surprise when someone slid into the seat next to him and did the same.  _

_ “Going through it, huh?” Yunho had asked, loud enough to be heard over the music, but not loud enough to startle the man. He raised his shot glass, and threw it back real quick - he didn’t even grimace this time, hadn’t done so all night, he realized. “Same here.” _

_ The man had only smiled, he opened his mouth to say something, but just then, another, taller man approached him and grabbed him by the elbow, pulling at him. _

_ “I’ve been looking for you all fucking night,” he said, harshly. “The savings are going to keep going down the drain if you keep coming here. You need to come home with me. Now.” _

_ The man wasn’t budging. Yunho was drunk, but maybe not drunk enough to not interfere. It was stupid, he knows, but the other man was looking severely uncomfortable and upset. Yunho could not have lived with himself if had done nothing to help him. _

_ “Dude, just leave him alone,” Yunho said, making sure to sound as annoyed as he was sure the other guy was feeling. “It’s clear that he doesn’t want to go with you. Go find someone else to be a dick to.” _

_ The taller man just looked at him, then scoffed before turning his attention back to the shorter man, berating the man about spending so much. It was sad, just watching them argue - more like the shorter man wasn’t saying anything, it was only the taller man yelling at him. _

_ “I said go find somebody else.” _

_ Yunho stood up then, crowding the taller man - who, he couldn’t help but notice, was a few inches shorter than he was - and pushing him away from his newfound friend at the bar. They had stared at each other for a while, even drawing the attention of the other patrons. The now shorter man was about to say something when his alleged partner spoke up. _

_ “Seonghwa, just leave him alone,” he said, getting up and taking Seonghwa’s hand, trying to drag him along. “Let’s go home.” _

_ They had left then. It was dark inside, but Yunho had been able to tell they argued all the way out the door; most likely beyond there too. Yunho thought that would be the last time he saw the pair, but it was far from it. They were there almost every other week, and they left just like that first time. Most times, the shorter man didn’t even bother putting up a fight, but sometimes, when he’d been there long enough, he’d screamed back at Seonghwa.  _

_ A couple of months after they had first met, there was a line to get inside. Yunho had been texting the entire time he’d waited, happy enough to stand by until it was his turn to go in. He’d just finished sending off another angry text at Mingi, when someone bumped into him.  _

_ He would have recognized the man anywhere. _

_ “Hey sorry-” the shorter man started saying, but immediately shut his mouth when he’d realized it was Yunho. “My husband is an asshole, I’m sorry for him.” _

_ Yunho sighed.  _

_ “No need to apologize for him,” he replied, trying to come off as understanding as possible. “I just- you looked really uncomfortable around him, so I was just trying to do what I thought was the right thing.” _

_ “Yeah, sorry, didn’t mean to alarm you.” _

_ They'd stayed quiet for a little, just stared at each other.  _

_ “Let me give you my number,” Yunho had said then, right as the line started moving forward. “Just so- if you ever need someone to talk to.” _

_ It was easy to fall into an understanding friendship, then, Hongjoong would talk about his struggles with Seonghwa and Yunho would listen. He would tell Yunho that Seonghwa and him wouldn’t speak at all - their only form of communication was through text and nothing else. They do eat dinner together, which, Yunho thought was hilarious. And eventually, the bombshell to surprise Yunho more than anything he’d ever heard before: their marriage was a set up, something cooked up by their parents to settle some sort of debt they’d had with each other.  _

_ “Worst thing is,” Hongjoong said, downing the rest of his wine in one gulp. “I think I’m starting to have feelings for him. Yeah, most of the time I want to fucking strangle him, but sometimes when he smiles, my heart hurts.” _

_ “There are worse things than being in love with your own husband,” Yunho said, as he’d watched Hongjoong with sympathy. “Like, for example, not having one.” _

_ Hongjoong had grimaced.  _

_ “Mingi hasn’t asked huh? Well, then, maybe you should.” _

Yunho shakes his head at the memory. 

He makes eye contact with Seonghwa through the coffee shop window; apparently Yunho’d been running more behind than he thought. Seonghwa makes a face, turns to face Hongjoong and says something, something nasty probably, because just then, Hongjoong sits up straight. 

He sighs before walking in, ready to hear them argue the entire time. 


	2. i don't celebrate till i make it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hongjoong doesn't rest that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so here she is! the first official chapter to this story. i'm excited for you guys to read it.
> 
> this chapter is a little heavy so please read when you're not feeling too down. 
> 
> title from _Howlin'_ by I.M from his Duality EP because it's all i can listen to now apparently.
> 
> see end notes for some slight tw

Growing up isn’t easy.

Hongjoong is born to a poor family. In fact, he has a feeling he wasn’t planned, not like those other kids he sees at the park on his way to school every day. It makes his heart hurt, just a little, that he can’t be one of them, that both his parents have to go work at ass o’clock in the morning just to be able to afford some fucking rice, that they’ve never had any time to go to the park and have a picnic like a normal fucking family. 

What makes it even worse is that sometimes, _most of the time,_ all their hard work wasn’t near enough. Sometimes they couldn’t even afford rice because all their money had gone to pay off their bills, some of it to their credit card debts. Hongjoong doesn’t even know how his dad kept getting approved for more when he’s sure his dad’s credit is awful. Greedy fucking companies just looking to get richer off of those that can barely afford to sustain themselves. Still, no matter how hard they worked, it never seemed to be enough. Sometimes even rice was too expensive for them to afford, so they had to make dinner with whatever scraps they had leftover from the previous days; sometimes there was barely enough food for Hongjoong to eat.

His mom cried a lot on those days, went to bed on an empty stomach but satisfied enough knowing at least her son had eaten something. She tried her best not to cry in front of him, waited until she thought Hongjoong was out of the room to put her face in her hands and let it all out. Hongjoong wasn’t dumb, though, he knew his mom waited until he was out of sight to let all her worries and regrets out. Those moments made Hongjoong feel like he was the worst mistake she’d ever made, felt like a horrible son just for existing, taking that food away from her mouth. He felt _useless_ and like the biggest burden in the world.

Hongjoong’s father was different in dealing with days like those, he would simply say he wasn’t hungry and then proceed to chug a whole cup of water, most likely to quiet the loud rumbling coming from his stomach. He’d take Hongjoong’s hand and take him to his bedroom, he’d tuck him in after reading him a bedtime story; sometimes he’d let Hongjoong rant to him about the things his classmates did to him that day. He always gave him good advice in how to deal with bullies, words that placated him to not do anything too stupid the next day. He’d always pretend to fall asleep after, waited until his father walked out of his room and closed the door behind him to open his eyes. He would sneak closer to the door, careful to step lightly so his parents wouldn’t hear him, then he’d put his ear against the door, eager to hear what his parents were talking about. It would always be the same, always quiet sobs about how they thought they were bad parents for not being able to afford to care for him properly. 

_It’s not your fault,_ Hongjoong always thought, _it’s my fault for being born. I’m sorry._

He never fought back, never talked back or said anything to his teachers when his classmates pushed him into the lockers and laughed at him. He would always just take it, just wiped the blood on his lips with the back of his hand, stood up and walked back to his class. Some teachers would put on a worried face, some would even ask him what was wrong, but some didn’t even seem fazed. It was easy to get used to the abuse - no one would care too much about what happened to him. 

The worst days came when his classmates would make fun of him for wearing the same shirt four days in a row. It wasn’t really his fault, didn’t really have a choice because their water had been cut off and there wasn’t really a way for his mom to wash his clothes anymore. Normally, he wouldn’t care, he would just ignore them and keep walking to class. He wasn’t always in the right headspace to deal with these kinds of things, however, sometimes he would go home, straight to his room and cry all the way to dinner (when there was any). 

_Things would just be easier if I died,_ Hongjoong often thought, curled in on himself. He would look out the window and wonder if his parents’ life would be easier if he just got the courage and swallowed the pesticide hiding under the kitchen sink. They would probably be sad for a little while, but then they’d probably get over it and continue on with their lives, no longer having to deal with worrying about having to support a child that can’t handle shit on his own. Maybe it would just be easier for all of them if Hongjoong jumped out his bedroom window and landed on his neck, gone in an instant. 

There are several times growing up that Hongjoong seriously thinks about ending things so things are easier for his parents, a couple of times he actually comes close. The thought of some day making it out of his situation, earning enough to be able to give back to his parents all that they’ve given for him, most of the time, that’s enough to bring him back from the edge. 

/////

It’s not always easy getting through high school. 

There’s a distant part of him that wishes he could go to college, but ultimately, he knows that pursuing a higher education is completely out of reach. He’s not a _horrible_ student, but he sure as hell isn’t all that great either. It’s not that he isn’t smart, but he sees no real purpose in trying when he knows he won’t be able to afford going to college anyway. Still, there’s a part of him that wishes he could afford to go off to another place - maybe even another country - to study something he’s passionate about. 

Part of him wishes there was enough money for him to be happy. 

That’s never been in his destiny; it’s never been fated in the stars for him to be content and not struggling. Maybe in another life there’s a chance of him being born into a family that has enough money to send him off to find happiness. 

School isn’t for him.

He’s thankful that his dad’s going to help him find a job after he graduates high school. He’s happy because he’ll finally be able to help his parents pay for bills, he’ll be able to afford to buy more groceries because his mom will be able to cook chicken for them once in a while. Things are going to be different, _better,_ once he starts working. Hopefully he’ll be able to save enough for that gold watch his mom’s been wanting since he was a child, the pretty shiny gold watch shining whenever they passed by the store that his mom would pretend not to look at. Maybe he’ll be able to set aside some so that he’s able to buy his dad new work shoes, ones to replace those old ones he’s been wearing for ages. 

Nothing is for sure until he graduates, but his dad has been telling him about how the mailroom attendant at his job is retiring in about a year, and how he’s going to put in a good word for him. They’ll hire him for sure, his dad lets him know, because he’s young and they’re looking for someone who’s quick. He’ll be perfect for the job, he knows it. It pays ok, and all he’ll be doing is sorting mail and signing in visitors. Easy enough for him to learn quick, but also challenging enough that it keeps him on his feet.

/////

Sixteen isn’t a happy year, so Hongjoong breathes a sigh of relief when he wakes up the morning of his seventeenth birthday. Maybe seventeen will be better for him - for his family - a year so good that it’ll be etched in his memory forever. Hopefully seventeen will bring many reasons for him to actually be happy and feel alive, reasons to keep pushing forward and keep him smiling.

His mom makes him breakfast, just white rice and a banana. It’s simple, the breakfast he’s been used to having every day for his birthday for the past seventeen years, but it’s made with such love that he never gets bored. He eats quickly - he’s running late, hadn’t wanted to get up because his bed’s just that comfortable - and runs out the door, making sure to thank his mom profusely for making him breakfast. 

School goes by fast, no one bothers him or, for that reason, pays any attention to him. Those who aren’t constantly making fun of him, those nice enough to not make his existence miserable every waking moment, some of them even wish him a happy birthday. He’s thankful to them, says it with a smile, and walks away. In all, the day goes by pretty quickly in his mind, and soon enough, the bell is ringing to dismiss them; Hongjoong’s legs carry him as fast as he can run to his house.

The lights are off, but Hongjoong doesn’t pay any attention to that - they’ve probably been cut off again, but he doesn’t care, not when the smells from the kitchen are wonderful. He tosses his backpack on the couch and toes off his shoes, stacks them neatly in the corner and walks towards the kitchen. There his mom and dad are standing side by side, his mom’s holding a small white birthday cake. It’s probably coconut, based on the white flakes around it - his favorite. 

_Happy birthday,_ they say together, _happy birthday to the best son in the world._

They sing the birthday song to him, his mom’s quiet tears falling out of her eyes halfway through the song, his dad holding her tighter as if giving her strength. 

“Happy birthday, my love,” she says, setting the cake down on the counter. “I am so glad you were born, and I could not ask for a son better than you. Thank you for bringing your father and I so much happiness. I love you.”

“Happy birthday son,” his father says after. “You were the best choice we ever made, and every day we wake up thankful that we have you.”

Hongjoong cries, runs to his parents and lets them embrace him in a tight hug that nearly takes his breath away. 

“There’s nowhere in the world I would rather be,” Hongjoong tells them once they’ve pulled away. He can’t help but notice all of them are wiping tears away, trying to be discrete about it. “Thank you for raising me and loving me all these years. I love you.”

They hold hands, Hongjoong gives them kisses on their foreheads before his mom pulls them away and shows them what she’s been cooking. It’s all of Hongjoong’s favorite dishes, enough to last them a couple of days at least - awesome, seventeen’s already started better than sixteen ever did. They eat standing, just like they always do, but it’s better this time, like they’re happier.

They’re cleaning up, Hongjoong putting up the food into containers to store in the fridge while his parents wash and dry the dishes they’ve used. He doesn’t miss the way his dad looks at his mom once they’re done, an unmistakable look of _you tell him,_ something very different from the way they normally look at each other, which is maybe why Hongjoong even sees it in the first place.

His mom sighs, maybe she’s the designated one to take the plunge first.

“Joongie,” she starts, looks back at his dad, unsure. “There’s something we’ve been meaning to tell you for a while, but I feel that it’s finally time. Please make sure to listen to us before you say anything, ok? We’re only doing this with your best interest in mind.”

“Ok,” Hongjoong replies, confused at the sudden change in tone. There’s nothing that they can ever say or do that would make Hongjoong be mad at them. “Just tell me, I’ll be fine. I can handle it.”

“Joongie, do you remember Mr. Park Bonhwa?” his father asks, Hongjoong nods. Of course he remembers him, he’s the one that’s helped his dad get out of critical debt before, many times; maybe a sort of friend of his father’s. “He, uh, he has a son about your age - Seonghwa - and he, Bonhwa’s looking for someone for his son, a husband. We- we made a deal to have _you_ be that husband.”

“You’re marrying me off to settle your debt with him?”

His father grimaces at Hongjoong’s crude choice of words. Now, don’t get him wrong, Hongjoong’s not as mad as he thought he would be. He’s not mad but that doesn’t mean he isn’t surprised, damn fucking taken aback. Out of all the things he expected to hear today, hearing the fact that he’s about to enter into a fucking _marriage of convenience_ \- what kind of wattpad fucking story is his life, seriously - wasn’t one of them. 

“I’m sorry it had to come to this,” his dad continues. “I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t need to, you know that, right? I love you, and I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t trust the Park family.”

“Dad,” Hongjoong begins, sighs and shakes his head, tries to clear his thoughts. “I’m not mad, I’m not asking for an explanation. I know this must have been a last resort thing, it’s ok, I understand.”

“I’m sorry.”

Hongjoong shakes his head, accepts his fate as it’s given to him. 

“I accept. Now, can I be excused?”

His mom nods. He bows and walks out the kitchen, doesn’t look back at his parents. He picks up his bag from the couch, slings it over his shoulders and heads to his room. He tosses it on the floor, out of the way so he doesn’t trip on it while he’s half asleep on his way to the bathroom. 

Really, Hongjoong isn’t mad at his father, there’s no way he could be; not when he’s sacrificed so much just to be able to provide for Hongjoong. This, that, Hongjoong is willing to do anything it takes to be able to repay even half of what his dad’s done for him. Objectively he knows it’s a parent’s duty to do whatever they need to do to provide for a child, he knows, but he feels bad that his father had to go to this extreme just to keep from going under any further. 

So Hongjoong has no choice other than to accept his fate, accept the fate that’ll have him sharing the rest of his life with a complete stranger. He doesn’t even know what the guy looks like, how he treats his parents, what pisses him off. Maybe right now he’s pissed, mad at the fact that he’s also being married off to some person he had no clue existed. What if _he_ was the one to suggest this sham marriage in the first place? It’s a stupid thought, makes Hongjoong laugh at how pathetic it is. 

There’s no other choice, no other choice than to flop down on his bed face first and scream so loud that his parents hear him, maybe his neighbors also. He screams and screams until his voice gives out, until his throat is raw and it hurts so bad even the water burns a little. 

Situations like these make him wish he’d killed himself when he was thirteen. 

/////

Hongjoong doesn’t rest that night. He sleeps, but it’s more like he slips away from the real world into some dark fantasy land full of nothing for eight hours. He closes his eyes, but it feels like mere seconds before he’s opening them again. 

He’s on autopilot the entire morning, takes his breakfast out of the fridge and eats it without heating it up. He makes sure all the doors are locked before he steps out of the house, stuffing his set of keys into his front pocket. The day is gloomy, dark clouds all over the sky but it’s not raining, not yet. He walks his normal route, peaks inside the buildings to people watch. 

When he gets to the coffee shop, he sees a couple holding hands over the table. One of them has bright orange hair, bangs carefully falling over his forehead, just short of falling into his eyes. He’s got a sharp nose, pointy enough to seem dangerous. His lips are even, but they pout so cutely when he takes a bite of a brownie. He doesn’t seem to have much makeup on, maybe a light foundation and a bit of eyeliner on the corner of his eyes, pulling them out so they seem longer. He’s gorgeous, Hongjoong thinks, especially when he’s laughing, his eyes turn into little crescents and his beautiful teeth are on display for the whole world to see. 

His partner seems to think so too, the other’s eyes focused on the beautiful man in front of him. The other isn’t bad looking himself, if anything, he’s a different type of handsome than his partner. His face is a little more full than the man with orange hair, but it seems kind. His shoulders are broader; from what Hongjoong can tell, he’s got a bit of a size advantage on his partner, like he’s built to protect him from any harm that may come.

He probably says something funny, because the man with orange hair bursts out laughing, covers his mouth as his whole body shakes. His partner’s eyes never seem to leave his face, a huge smile on his own. After he stops laughing, his partner reaches over and wipes some crumbs off the other’s mouth; it makes him blush, almost the shade of his hair. Cute.

It’s so cute that it makes Hongjoong’s heart hurt just a little, knowing that he’ll probably never get something like that. He doesn’t know the couple’s struggle, but from what he just saw, they’re probably really happy with each other. It makes Hongjoong wonder if he’ll ever get that. Probably not, but one can dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slight tw for suicidal ideation. please read at your discretion.
> 
> so i didn't expect for this chapter to be out so quickly but i guess having a detailed outline really fucking helps when writing. that and i really wanted you guys to read the first chapter already, ah, i'm too giddy. i really enjoyed writing this so i hope you guys enjoyed reading it. i don't know when the next chapter will be up for sure (i'm shooting for two weeks from now but my brain malfunctions sometimes) but i will be working on it as hard as i can
> 
> now that i look back at my outline, most of the chapters seem to be in joong's pov i hope that's ok but there will be some in hwa's pov when i feel that it would make sense. 
> 
> and yes the couple at the coffee shop is showki bc i just couldnt help writing them into this fic even as a slight cameo. monsta x is my ult but i really love ateez so this story practically wrote itself.
> 
> @bigpapishownu on twt (i will be posting updates on there of how the writing is going)
> 
> thank yall for reading <3

**Author's Note:**

> this was just a short prologue that i think will give readers an insight as to how their friends view their marriage/relationship 
> 
> let me know what you guys think!
> 
> @bigpapishownu on twitter


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